F and U

This is a short play I wrote in 2006 for an assignment. I uncovered it and tweaked it a bit. Whoa I was such a deep 20 year old. That previous sentence was sarcastic.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

F.U. by R. E. Bearlee
[SETTING: A downtown alley beside a bar at 3 AM. A man in a disheveled business suit stumbles around clutching something in a paper bag close to his chest.]

(The man trips and lets himself fall to the ground.)

Man
Gah…shit.

(The man continues to lie on the ground. A foot prods him on the shoulder.)

Man
(lifts head up with closed eyes)

Officer I’m just resting for a second…

Uriel
Get up. I’m not a cop.

Man
Huh?

Uriel
Getting smashed again Frank?

Frank
(attempts to jump up, falls down again)

How…how the f-

Uriel
Let’s just say I guessed right. Anyway Frank…your life isn’t as hopeless as you think. And this…(glances at paper bag) isn’t going to help. But you know that. You’re a smart guy.

Frank
Who the hell are you?! Get out of my business…Fuck off!

Uriel
Ok Frank, it is against the rules but you’re too drunk to remember much of our little meeting anyway. Put your thinking cap on and listen up.

Frank
God damn it my head hurts.

(grabs a newspaper off the ground and places it over his face)

Uriel
(chuckles)

You get an ‘A’ for effort. All of you do. Going from wretched and vile to beautiful and downright comical. All those conditions back and forth again and again. I’m getting sidetracked.
(clears throat)

Franklin Leonard Smith, I am Uriel your guardian angel.

Frank
(bursts into laughter)

Uriel
What the hell’s so funny? The fact that your trifling ass even has a guardian up there…

(casually points to the sky)

Or the fact that I’m appearing to you in an alley at 3 in the morning?

(checks watch)

I’m sorry 3:24 in the morning.

Frank
What is this? What are you trying to sell? Have you been following me to do this little presentation? Why can’t a day go by when someone wants something from me?! Here.

(pulls out wallet)

Just take some money and leave-

Uriel
(sighs, as if the next part is very routine)

You eat your boogers every time you pick your nose. You didn’t like goldfish as a kid because they always died after a couple weeks. They died because you never fed them. You wet the bed until you were twelve with a few relapses here and there.

Frank
Holy sh-

Uriel
(holds hand up)

No more of that.

Frank
Ok…but where were you when Valencia left me? When Dad died, when…

(watches Uriel light up a cigarette)

Angels smoke?!

Uriel
Some do. Probably from hanging around you bums so much.

(Takes a drag)

Even the virtuous have some vices.

Frank
Where were you…when I needed someone?

Uriel
That is what other humans are for! Frank you aren’t a baby! You’re an adult and you are responsible for you’re your happiness. You’re a mortal on this Earth. Do you know what that means? Some pretty messed up shit is going to happen to you. Some pretty great shit too.

Frank
Yeah I know that stuff. The messed up shit has always outweighed the great shit so here we are. Who are you to tell me how I find my peace you psychic sicko? I need to deal….

Uriel
Picture this: From the moment you open your eyes and think your first thought you are fully grown and already have a job you didn’t choose. No adolescence, no old age, no middle age, no kids, no pets, no love and no sex. Count your blessings you douche.

Frank
No death either. No divorce. You’re never gonna go hungry cause you don’t have to eat. Are you trying to get me to pity you?

Uriel

(sighs)

Just consider a different perspective for a second. Isn’t happiness the result of accomplishment? True happiness, not this numbness in a bottle. Doesn’t real happiness come from acting out one’s values? From striving and struggling to meet and goal? Isn’t the struggle what makes it all worthwhile? Isn’t reflecting back on what it took to earn the prize more fulfilling than enjoying the prize itself? What pleasure can be found in the unearned?

Frank
Never thought of it that way.

Uriel
(Mocks Frank’s last sentence)

You humans never do. Bottom line is life is a rollercoaster and guys like me just get to watch. I’d trade with you in a second. Hey let me get a swig of that.

Frank
(Hands Uriel the paper bag)

We should hang out more often.

(smiles)

Uriel
Eh, I’m around.

(His cell phone buzzes. He takes it out and looks at it)

Listen man, I’ve got to jet. Some med student is thinking about offing himself over a failed test.

Frank
Thanks for the talk.

Uriel
No prob. They say I’m good at my job. I don’t see it but whatever doesn’t get me fired. Like a certain someone we all know. Well he wasn’t fired; he quit. Still haven’t replaced all the guys he took with him.

(Starts to walk away)

Frank
Hey! What do I call you?

Uriel
(Without looking back)
A friend. I’m keeping this bottle if you didn’t realize. I have a feeling you’re not thirsty anymore.

Advertisements

One comment

  1. […] F and U (2006):::: A short script I wrote in 2006, dug out and polished up. A guy down in the dumps meets his guardian angel. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: