F and U

This is a short play I wrote in 2006 for an assignment. I uncovered it and tweaked it a bit. Whoa I was such a deep 20 year old. That previous sentence was sarcastic.


F.U. by R. E. Bearlee
[SETTING: A downtown alley beside a bar at 3 AM. A man in a disheveled business suit stumbles around clutching something in a paper bag close to his chest.]

(The man trips and lets himself fall to the ground.)


(The man continues to lie on the ground. A foot prods him on the shoulder.)

(lifts head up with closed eyes)

Officer I’m just resting for a second…

Get up. I’m not a cop.


Getting smashed again Frank?

(attempts to jump up, falls down again)

How…how the f-

Let’s just say I guessed right. Anyway Frank…your life isn’t as hopeless as you think. And this…(glances at paper bag) isn’t going to help. But you know that. You’re a smart guy.

Who the hell are you?! Get out of my business…Fuck off!

Ok Frank, it is against the rules but you’re too drunk to remember much of our little meeting anyway. Put your thinking cap on and listen up.

God damn it my head hurts.

(grabs a newspaper off the ground and places it over his face)


You get an ‘A’ for effort. All of you do. Going from wretched and vile to beautiful and downright comical. All those conditions back and forth again and again. I’m getting sidetracked.
(clears throat)

Franklin Leonard Smith, I am Uriel your guardian angel.

(bursts into laughter)

What the hell’s so funny? The fact that your trifling ass even has a guardian up there…

(casually points to the sky)

Or the fact that I’m appearing to you in an alley at 3 in the morning?

(checks watch)

I’m sorry 3:24 in the morning.

What is this? What are you trying to sell? Have you been following me to do this little presentation? Why can’t a day go by when someone wants something from me?! Here.

(pulls out wallet)

Just take some money and leave-

(sighs, as if the next part is very routine)

You eat your boogers every time you pick your nose. You didn’t like goldfish as a kid because they always died after a couple weeks. They died because you never fed them. You wet the bed until you were twelve with a few relapses here and there.

Holy sh-

(holds hand up)

No more of that.

Ok…but where were you when Valencia left me? When Dad died, when…

(watches Uriel light up a cigarette)

Angels smoke?!

Some do. Probably from hanging around you bums so much.

(Takes a drag)

Even the virtuous have some vices.

Where were you…when I needed someone?

That is what other humans are for! Frank you aren’t a baby! You’re an adult and you are responsible for you’re your happiness. You’re a mortal on this Earth. Do you know what that means? Some pretty messed up shit is going to happen to you. Some pretty great shit too.

Yeah I know that stuff. The messed up shit has always outweighed the great shit so here we are. Who are you to tell me how I find my peace you psychic sicko? I need to deal….

Picture this: From the moment you open your eyes and think your first thought you are fully grown and already have a job you didn’t choose. No adolescence, no old age, no middle age, no kids, no pets, no love and no sex. Count your blessings you douche.

No death either. No divorce. You’re never gonna go hungry cause you don’t have to eat. Are you trying to get me to pity you?



Just consider a different perspective for a second. Isn’t happiness the result of accomplishment? True happiness, not this numbness in a bottle. Doesn’t real happiness come from acting out one’s values? From striving and struggling to meet and goal? Isn’t the struggle what makes it all worthwhile? Isn’t reflecting back on what it took to earn the prize more fulfilling than enjoying the prize itself? What pleasure can be found in the unearned?

Never thought of it that way.

(Mocks Frank’s last sentence)

You humans never do. Bottom line is life is a rollercoaster and guys like me just get to watch. I’d trade with you in a second. Hey let me get a swig of that.

(Hands Uriel the paper bag)

We should hang out more often.


Eh, I’m around.

(His cell phone buzzes. He takes it out and looks at it)

Listen man, I’ve got to jet. Some med student is thinking about offing himself over a failed test.

Thanks for the talk.

No prob. They say I’m good at my job. I don’t see it but whatever doesn’t get me fired. Like a certain someone we all know. Well he wasn’t fired; he quit. Still haven’t replaced all the guys he took with him.

(Starts to walk away)

Hey! What do I call you?

(Without looking back)
A friend. I’m keeping this bottle if you didn’t realize. I have a feeling you’re not thirsty anymore.


One comment

  1. […] F and U (2006):::: A short script I wrote in 2006, dug out and polished up. A guy down in the dumps meets his guardian angel. […]

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